I’m constantly between these two feelings

  1. Love me please, don’t leave me alone, I need you
  2. I hate you, don’t fucking tell me what to do, I kinda want to die

And this sucks cause loved ones around me seem worried but they don’t really get me and they never will because I also can’t really understand myself.

Shit.

I watched this interview yesterday… it was… rough.

"I’ll never forget that experience. I went through seven steel doors and metal detectors so sensitive that my tie tack and the nails in my shoes were enough to set off an alarm. Finally, I reached an inner chamber where Bundy and I were to meet. He was brought in, strip-searched, and then surrounded by six prison guards while he talked to me. Midway through our conversation, the lights suddenly went dim.

Ted said, ‘Just wait a moment, and they will come back on.’

I didn’t realize until later what had happened. The prisoner knew that his executioners were testing the electric chair that would take his life the next morning” -James Dobson on his interview with serial killer Ted Bundy, hours before his execution.

Dirt. I watched serial killer interviews whole day. My heart is frozen now. I also have fights with my loved ones everyday… and I am just tired and I just cry. And they don’t even know how much I want to be or at least acting normal but I just can’t rn. Fucked up, hm?

Dirt. I watched serial killer interviews whole day. My heart is frozen now. I also have fights with my loved ones everyday… and I am just tired and I just cry. And they don’t even know how much I want to be or at least acting normal but I just can’t rn. Fucked up, hm?

He saw me first on a rainy day, that man my mom met on the internet a few months ago. He was a photographer.He was so sweet and always asked about my day, my feelings, my rituals, my dreams.He also said to me he was in love with my mom because she is so beautiful.'Yes, she is. Boys in school say I am not.', I said.He smiled and put his right hand on my left thigh. 'Those boys are probably stupid then. Let me show you something.', he said and grabbed my hands to follow him to my room.'What's the prettiest dress you own?', he asked and opened my wardrobe. I picked a purple one, I once wore it when some family member got married. 'Take off your clothes and change.', he said strictly and gave me the purple dress. 'What? Now? Here?''Yes, hurry.''And you're gonna watch?', I asked silently.'I can go out if you don't want me to watch…', he couldn't stop smiling. He had those puppy eyes and I started to undress showing my back to him. I felt his eyes all over my body. 'Cute panties, you have.', he said.'Erm, thanks. It was a gift from… mom.', it was very odd.'I'm ready.', I sighed. 'Swirl a little, okay?', he then turned on his camera and looked like an ALIEN was watching me behind that machine. Mom often told me that I just have to imagine no one’s watching and then nothing will be embarassing. She told me we should enjoy life and not fear it, so I did that and swirled.He took so many pictures and then I was about to fell on the ground but suddenly he catched me.'We don't want this pretty dress to be dirty, do we?', he always joked. I was looking at his puppy eyes.'I guess…', I whispered.'Let me take it off okay, you seem so pale, I help…', then he unwrapped me like I was a human candy. I was still in his hands and he caressed my shoulders as he took the dress off, then my waist and my thighs too. 'Please, let me take some photos of you like this. You are… you are like no other girls on this planet, you look like the most beautiful alien in a human skin… I have to take pictures of you…', he said. I was mesmerized by these words. 'Okay…'I wasn’t even naked, my hair covered my chest and my purple dress was placed on my thighs down to my feet. It looked like purple water all around me.He thanked me this afternoon with a kiss on my nose and he never showed those pictures to my mom. 

He saw me first on a rainy day, that man my mom met on the internet a few months ago. He was a photographer.
He was so sweet and always asked about my day, my feelings, my rituals, my dreams.
He also said to me he was in love with my mom because she is so beautiful.

'Yes, she is. Boys in school say I am not.', I said.
He smiled and put his right hand on my left thigh. 
'Those boys are probably stupid then. Let me show you something.', he said and grabbed my hands to follow him to my room.

'What's the prettiest dress you own?', he asked and opened my wardrobe. I picked a purple one, I once wore it when some family member got married. 
'Take off your clothes and change.', he said strictly and gave me the purple dress. 
'What? Now? Here?'
'Yes, hurry.'
'And you're gonna watch?', I asked silently.
'I can go out if you don't want me to watch…', he couldn't stop smiling. He had those puppy eyes and I started to undress showing my back to him. I felt his eyes all over my body. 
'Cute panties, you have.', he said.
'Erm, thanks. It was a gift from… mom.', it was very odd.

'I'm ready.', I sighed. 
'Swirl a little, okay?', he then turned on his camera and looked like an ALIEN was watching me behind that machine. 
Mom often told me that I just have to imagine no one’s watching and then nothing will be embarassing. She told me we should enjoy life and not fear it, so I did that and swirled.

He took so many pictures and then I was about to fell on the ground but suddenly he catched me.
'We don't want this pretty dress to be dirty, do we?', he always joked. I was looking at his puppy eyes.
'I guess…', I whispered.
'Let me take it off okay, you seem so pale, I help…', then he unwrapped me like I was a human candy. I was still in his hands and he caressed my shoulders as he took the dress off, then my waist and my thighs too. 

'Please, let me take some photos of you like this. You are… you are like no other girls on this planet, you look like the most beautiful alien in a human skin… I have to take pictures of you…', he said. I was mesmerized by these words. 
'Okay…'

I wasn’t even naked, my hair covered my chest and my purple dress was placed on my thighs down to my feet. It looked like purple water all around me.
He thanked me this afternoon with a kiss on my nose and he never showed those pictures to my mom. 

Meow

hepating reblogged this from rouge-chevre and added:

every cm worth a kiss

That’s a lot but okay, sounds good :P

a-tall-knight said: Did you really have a brother called Teddy? Your stories are so haunting, so real, it makes me think that it should be possible to feel them, with your hands, not in your heart... whatever you do, you HAVE to write. find a way to capture your stories, allow people to read them, not a few people but many many people. it's ok, by the way, that you don't want to talk to me on kik. who knows, it might complicate things...

Aw my.. you are so sweet, thank you <3 Almost crying… 

…and no, I am an only child but it’s an interesting fact that my mom once went to a seer and she said that she saw a boy soul in mom’s past before I was born… but my mom wasn’t pregnant twice… it is so strange… so in real life I am an only child but who knows…? Maybe I had a brother in another universe… o.o

Anonymous said: how tall are u?

165 proud cm lol

Anonymous said: You could try, i think it would be nice even if you are not really good at this. You should come to Germany! :D

Aw, thanks, I wishhhh <3

burgnburgh said: I saw a quote that made me think of you. " We are all like the bright moon, we still have our darker side." Your brightness lures me and engages my spirit. Your dark side though is the mystery more captivating. You have your own invisible pull miss

Aww Q_Q <3 THANK YOU